Episode 17: The Taxi

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Criss and Diego were locked in the bathroom at Soldiers Field. They were in a bathroom stall. Diego was wrapped in chains.

“So how’d you get here?” Criss asked.

Diego spat on the ground. “It’s a long story.”

“That’s okay. Criss Angel has the time.”

And so Diego began…


Years earlier…

After leaving the Jedi Order, Diego wandered aimlessly for years. He met Alejandro Jorge in his travels. Jorge was a giant monstrosity that used lots of steroids, causing him to be completely jacked and have 0 balls. Jorge was also very stupid.

Very stupid.

Jorge and Diego became great friends. Like all friends they had disagreements about some things. Their arguments usually ended with a minor things like cities getting leveled and people getting ripped apart. Shit like that.

Anyways, Diego informed Jorge that he was on an epic quest to kickass, and that somehow Jorge was a part of that quest. “Ugadubuddawag?”, Jorge said.

Diego flipped him off. Jorge threw down his bag of roids and bitch slapped Diego. The rest was headline news.

One day, Diego, whose eye had been bothering him ever since Jorge had slapped him, decided to go get his vision checked. So they got a taxi. Jorge had to sit on the roof becuase he was too big. Diego got in the front seat. He shut the door and looked at the driver.

“WTF!?!? This can’t be for realz?”

“Errow. Where u want to go?” the asian taxi driver said.

“Wait. How many fingers am I holding up?” Diego put both of his hands behind his back.

Asian Man squinted. “Urr… two?”

“Wow. I’m dead. Let’s go.”

“Herro Preese?”

“No. Shut up.”


5 seconds later…

WAM!

“That’s what you call a building. Most people try not to drive into them,” Diego said as he scooped his brains off the windshield and began putting them back in his head.

“I so so sorry. Me penis so smarr. You American penis be so big.”

“Uh… why don’t you just shut up and open your eyes when you drive. Oh wait, that’s right, you can’t. Ooohhh.”


20 seconds later…

“Auugh-!”. Bump, thump bump.

Asian Man stopped the car.

Diego sighed. “Way to go. Yep, that’s what the police call manslaughter. It’s bad, and you’re probably looking at life. I personally suggest we turn this into a hit-and-run.”

“But thats bad and break raw.”

“That’s right. But so is driving on the wrong side of the street and running someone over.” Diego stuck his head out the window, looking behind the car. “Dude you’re kinda blocking the road.”

Pause.

“Ugh, sick. You might want to move the car forward a few feet. The rear wheels on that guy’s head.”

Asian Man moved the car forward a few feet.

“Hey, look it’s the Eye Doctor place,” Diego pointed across the street. “Thanks for the ride Asian Man. We’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Orkay Dokee, beeg-penised American. I stay here.”

Jorge jumped off the roof of the cab and followed Diego into the building.