Random Boners
January 3, 2010 – 3:41 PMRate:
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You know what really sucks.
Random boners.
They’re like fucking ninjas. You never know when they’re going to pop up.
In fact, I bet even ninjas get random boners. And it takes a lot to sneak up on a ninja.
Fact: Random boners are now offically sneakier than ninjas.
I’m sensing some blockbuster possibilities… Dick vs. Ninja. Dick of the Ninja 2. Sneak Attack 4: Boner Revenge. Of course, the porn industry’s probably already beat Hollywood to it, but the titles can be reworked. It’s the content that matters.
How about a documentary: Sneaky Things: Owls, Insects, Ninjas, Boners. The Complete Guide. At a children’s bookstore near you.
The worst thing about random boners is their sheer randomness: they always pop up at the worst possible times. Like when you’re wearing sweatpants, and you’re about to stand up.
In public.
And you’re on stage, and the audience is eye level with your junk. Fantastic.
Penis: “Aye aye, hoist the flag, we’re setting sail!”
You: “No, fuck that shit. Drop the anchor, this ship’s staying put. You can walk a plank.”
Random passerby: “Sir, are you having a conversation with your penis?”
You: “Uh…”
Penis: “Ah ha! The captain’s back is turned. Mutiny!”
You “Ah fuck!”
And than, of course, at the least opportune times, your shit goes on hiatus.
I mean, yeah you shouldn’t have taken all those pills, but still, that one bitch that has all those STDs is looking pretty fine right about now. And she’s all over you.
Until she finds out your dick turned in it’s resignation papers for the night. No second term here.
And then, hours later, after passing out alone (yet again), you wake up in the morning…
Penis: “Ah ha! Surprise!”
Author: James Hoff
