Swine Flu = Zombie Virus
May 1, 2009 – 6:31 AMRate:
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Yet ANOTHER conspiracy. Turns out the “Swine Flu Virus” is nothing more than the beginning of the Zombie Apocalypse, which, by the way, is mentioned multiple times in the Book of Revelations.
So once again, swine flu = cover-up for zombie virus outbreak. This is not the “flu.” Well, unless the flu makes people eat each other, and last time I checked, it doesn’t.
So if someone tells you they are experiencing flu-like symptoms, due everyone a favor and straight up kill them. Don’t hesitate, don’t ask questions. Just BAM!, fist through chest. Be a good friend.
If you’ve been bitten by a homeless man recently, you’re infected. This isn’t debatable. The fact that you’re not a zombie already is simply stunning. Chances are, if you have semi-intelligent friends, you’ll be dead before you finish reading this.
If not, please help the human race out by killling yourself. But, please, be creative. No one wants to read about a normal suicide. Lame.
Examples of acceptable ways to off yourself (if infected):
-Drive a car out of a plane from 10,000 feet.
-Dry your wet clothes on a high voltage power line.
-Get fast-AIDs (as opposed to the slow variety).
-Stab yourself to death. In slo-motion.
And to everyone else that isn’t infected, watch out for homeless people.
And Mexicans.
Patient Zero was recently discovered. A boy. The cause of the “swine flu.”
“Edgar Hernandez lives in the southern Mexican town of La Gloria, where more than 450 people - out of a population of 3,000 - have complained of respiratory problems.” -from FOXNews.com
Respiratory problems? Oh yeah, because they’re zombies. I forgot.
So how did he start this pandemic?
He fucked a pig.
I know, sick.
He now controls the zombie horde, and is being referred to by many as the Zombie God.
Zombie God
So what can you do?
1. Stay away from homeless people. And Mexicans. I can’t emphasize this enough.
2. Carry a shotgun/chainsaw with you at all times. If this is illegal, strap it to your back underneath your shirt. No one will notice.
3. Round up the young, old, and disabled. You can use them as bait when the horde closes in on your town.
4. Quit your job and train for the inevitable by playing Left 4 Dead.
5. Steal multiple nuclear weapons and detonate them on Mexican soil, the apparent breeding ground of zombies.
Author: James Hoff
