NORAD tracks Santa, Destroys
December 24, 2008 – 8:45 PMRate:
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Santa, the notorious fat man, was hunted down and promptly killed late Christmas Eve while flying over government controlled airspace in North America.
NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command) had been tracking the red suited dude all night, waiting for him to slip up. And he did, when, at promptly 7:03 PM, Santa flew over the the White House.
The U.S. was immediately moved to DEFCON 1, President Bush was hurried onto Air Force One, and two heat seeking missiles were launched at the flying sleigh, using Santa’s body heat as their tracking source.
Santa reportedly jumped from his sleigh, parachuting to the ground safely, while his reindeer were ripped to pieces by the twin missiles, their magical beings viciously torn apart by superheated shrapnel.
Santa was on the run. The nationwide manhunt began.
And was punctually ended by a sniper bullet that blew Santa’s head clean off the second he hit the ground, spraying blood over a twenty foot radius. Santa’s corpse was then set upon by cannibals.
No comment.
“We’d been waiting for years for Santa to screw up, and he finally did,” General Gene Renuart, Commander of the United States Air Force remarked. “He got what he had coming to him… two heat-seeking missiles and a sniper round to the face. Visiting children in their sleep… fucking pedophile.”
Update: Santa Clause’s corpse and dental records have been identified, and to the disbelief of millions, Santa is none other than Muslim extremist Osama Bin Laden. After investigation, it has been determined that Bin Laden has secretly been hiding out in the North Pole for decades.
The majority of Santa stereotypes have been eradicated. Not only is Santa not white, but he also isn’t Christian. He’s Muslim.
Millions have started questioning the existence of God. Suicide rates have skyrocketed.
But most importantly, the Christmas Story is fucked. Now what are you going to tell your kids?
Author: James Hoff
